I think the most painful thing for me right now is not my estrogen-based body, my voice or my femininity (physically and mentally), it’s a small, seemingly insignificant thing, but it brings me so much pain…. The simple fact that I get called a ‘girl’, a ‘sister’, a ‘woman’, ‘she’ and ‘her’. It kills me. It absolutely KILLS me. That was the only thing I could NOT stand last night. It wasn’t my high pitched voice compared to my friend’s testosterone-based boyfriend, it wasn’t my chest, it wasn’t my girly clothes, it was the fact that the WHOLE time, it was ‘she this, she that’, ‘her this, her that’, and one of the most painful, ‘it’s because you’re a girl.’ No. No, I’m not a girl.
No, I’m not that female name you keep insisting on calling me. No, I’m not your sister, no, I’m not a pretty little girl. No. Just no. Shut up. Stop it. I know my mom says they need time, but I’m sorry, they’ve HAD ENOUGH TIME. They knew about this for at LEAST 2 years. They’ve done nothing to even SHOW that they even recognize my gender identity. I love my friends, I do, they’ve been there for me for a long, long time, and they’re really sweet and caring and wonderful…..but they just…. I don’t know…..I can’t deal with them. I will never stop caring about them but it’s just really, really hard to be friends with them now. I’m still giving them a chance to change, but, I don’t know how much longer I can deal before I blow up in their faces…..
Maybe it would be a good thing to do that, but I never, ever want to blow up at anyone. I don’t want to get mad at anyone, I don’t want to yell at anyone…it’s just not in me to be okay with doing that. I don’t like expressing anger or frustration or venting emotional stress verbally. It’s just not something I’m comfortable doing, so I want to avoid it as much as possible. I just gotta keep it together, give them some more time…. I’m going to try to, but I really don’t know. I have a horrible feeling that they’re just NEVER going to change. That no matter what I do, no matter how many other people use ‘he’ and ‘his’, that they just never will. It’s a scary and depressing thought. I hope that doesn’t happen, I really, really do.
- kels929 likes this
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- burningconviction said: *hugs* there there
- thevioletveil posted this